Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
