I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
