Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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