At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
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