omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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