i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Randomize
