im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
