i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
