Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
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