My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
