every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
