I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
