He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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