...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
