this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
