she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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