Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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