I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
