I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
