"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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