I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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