Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
