I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
