What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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