i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
