My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
