Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Randomize
