I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
