I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
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I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
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