Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i dont even know how to be here
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
