If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Randomize
