Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
