Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
