He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
