Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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