I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I need a burrito and a hug.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
