pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
