I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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