I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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