I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
