I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
