my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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