I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Randomize
