I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
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