She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
