i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
