I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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