I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
