Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
