Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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