the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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