It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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