Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.