Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy