Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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